I'm no Super-Mom!

I have been struggling lately. REALLY struggling.  Any of you who know me personally, know that my life's dreams always included being a stay at home mom and wife. From the time I was a little girl, people would ask me the classic question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My reply was always, "A Mom."  I know in today's world that may not seem like a very lofty goal, but honestly, I believe God placed that desire in my heart. I am struggling because for the past 5 years I have had to divide my "mom" time with a full-time outside-the-home job.  God has sustained me and our family. He has blessed me with the most AMAZING husband. I am not kidding when I say he does all this and more. He gets the kids ready for school every morning and gets them there on time,  picks them up after school, makes dinner EVERY night, grocery shops on his day off, helps clean the house, and takes the kids to dentist, doctor and therapy appointments. He is not a stay-at-home dad.  He is a full-time pastor, a part-time professor at a local university, and a soon to become a published author. I don't know how he does it all, and does it all so well. I am so thankful God gave him to me to walk beside me on this crazy parenthood journey! I love him with all my heart and I am blessed beyond measure and honored to call him my husband!

God has blessed me with a somewhat flexible job and a wonderful boss who acknowledges we are "parents first" before our job...BUT I still find myself struggling. I struggle because I feel I should be there more for my kids, especially our newly adopted one as she is still transitioning. I struggle because, despite all my husband does to help, the house does not stay clean and there is a continuously growing pile of dirty laundry.  I struggle because half of my day on Saturday, my "day off" to spend with the kids, is spent scrubbing bathrooms and washing, folding and putting away those massive piles of laundry.  I struggle because when I get home from work, I am tired and often don't feel like helping my new one learn to read or helping the kids with homework. I struggle because summer time is my busy time at my job and I feel I should be taking my kids to the pool, the zoo, and spending time with them....instead I am working extra hours. (Thankfully, the kids can come to the campgrounds where I work every day. They love it, but I am not sure that is the best option for Joy. That is a big concern for me.) I struggle because, even though I am soon-to-be the lead pastor's wife, I sometimes drag myself to church -especially on Wednesday nights and Sunday nights-because I am so worn out. I struggle because as a pastor's wife, I often find it hard to engage and minister to others, due to the fact I have too much else on my plate.  I struggle because I want to entertain guests in my home, but I am always so tired and my house is in constant need of attention. .I struggle because I feel like I am stretched too thin to do any one thing well, and instead of being super-mom, I am stressed-out mom!

I KNOW there are many working moms out there who handle it with ease, who work longer hours than I do, and have less help from their husband (or even no help!)  and yet are the most amazing mom, working with the kids on homework, making dinner when they get home, cleaning house, doing laundry...but I am definitely NOT that girl!  I don't know how they do it. God did not give me that kind of drive and energy!

My desire is to be at home taking care of my kids, my house, and my husband. My desire is to spend time advocating for adoption, foster care, and children. I believe God gave me a mother's heart because He wants me to care for children and help advocate for those without families. I don't know for sure if He has more children to be a part of our family, but I know He wants me to share this great need with others. I desire to lead a short term orphan care missions trip once a year as a part of advocating for children. My desire is to be a pastor's wife, excited to be a part of our church and minister to those in our church family, excited to entertain guests in my home.  Being in ministry isn't easy. We don't do it for the money.  I feel I have sacrificed by working full-time in order for us to be in ministry. Our family, honestly, cannot live on the salary my husband makes as an associate pastor at our church. As he transitions to the lead pastor in June, his salary will still not be enough for me to be a stay at home mom in the economy we live in, but we might be able to make a way for me to work part-time. I am feeling an overwhelming need to ease my husband's load with the kids and household because he will have many new pressures in ministry. I am feeling an overwhelming need to be at home more for our kids, especially our new little one. Please pray with me about this. Pray we will find the perfect balance. Pray for me as I enter this busy season with my job. Pray we will find the best tutoring/child care option for Joy this summer. Pray for me that I will not feel guilty for doing what I have to do.  Pray God will open the right doors for me to at least go part-time and give me more time with my family and the energy to minister to those in our church. Pray God will help me to not be stretched beyond my limits and He will give me the strength I need. Pray He will help me be the super-mom I need to be, because without Him there is no way I can do it! 

P.S. Please let me know if you are in the same position I am in by e-mailing me privately or posting below!  I would love to pray with you and talk with you! Sometimes just talking about it can help ease the burden! I share my struggles because I know I can't be the only one out there who is feeling this way!

A Mother's Heart

Yesterday when I arrived home from work, there was a stack of my son's school work on the table. My little first grader was so excited to show me his work because he had gotten a "check +" on all of them. (Equivalent to an A+). One of the papers made my "mother's heart" burst with pride. He had written a paper that I have to share. (I fixed his spelling for him!!)

"Improving our World" by Micah Lewis
"The world could be improved if everybody believed in God and Jesus. I can walk to a airplane with my Bible and while I am walking I will look for people who don't believe in God and Jesus and if I find someone who doesn't believe in God and Jesus, I will read the Bible and While I am riding on the plane, I will Read the Bible. And I will Read the Bible to the People that don't believe God and Jesus."

Mind you, he is in a public school. When he started Kindergarten last year, we knew we would no longer be able to afford the private Christian school our daughter was attending. With much prayer and a little bit of trepidation on my part, we decided to put them in the school that is directly across the street from our neighborhood. God gave me complete peace with this decision and we actually LOVE it there! I am so proud of my son and I believe God has great plans for his life. Even at this age, he is shinning the light of Jesus in his classroom. Isn't that what God calls us all to do?

I can't wait to see what God has in store for him, Natalie and for our little one in the Philippines. I can't wait for more moments that make my "mother's heart" burst with pride.

(By the way...Micah is still determined that we are going to adopt a boy and a girl and prays about it EVERY night....Hmm...we are going to have to continue to pray about that! I am not sure I can handle another long adoption process like this one!!!)

The God Who KNOWS

The last several nights have fallen into a pattern during our nightly bedtime prayers with the kids. Natalie, who is 9 and recently decided she wants a sister,  prays "I pray that we would adopt a girl and she would get here soon." Micah  (who is 6 years old) prays, "I pray for a boy and he would get here faster!" He wants a "twin" brother who is his age, mostly to play legos with him. So tonight, I decided this was a good time to have a little discussion with them about God and prayers. I explained to them that we need to pray that God would send us the right child, boy or girl, who will fit into our family. I explained to them that there are many boys and girls who have no mommy or daddy, and we need to pray that God has one chosen just for our family and He will bring that child to us at the right time.

As I began to speak to my children, I had one of those mommy-moments. You know, when you are sharing something with your child and you realize that what you are saying is something that you, as the mom, needs to hear! And so as I thought and prayed some more about it I realized just how much God knows about my child whom I know nothing about right now.We don't know if it is a boy or girl, if he or she is 4 or 9 or somewhere in between,  but God knows. He knows the child's name, birthday and personality. He knows where the child is right now and He knows the child's deepest hurts and fears.  He knows the child's deepest desires and longings for a family. He knows the child who needs Natalie to be a sister and Micah to be a brother-God has this child chosen to fit into our family. I know it won't always be easy and there will be transition, but God has hand-picked this child for us. He knows his or her every moment, every joy, every tear..his or her's past, present and future and He has good plans for this child. I cannot imagine this adoption process without knowing the GOD who knows my child's name, who heals my child's hurts and answers my child's cry for a family. Thank you, God, for knowing and loving my child in a way that I cannot. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be a vessel of your love to this child. Thank you, God, for knowing what I can and cannot handle and for hand-picking a child for our family. "God places the lonely in families." Psalm 68:6a