Saturday, November 10, 2012

"Why you cry, Mommy?"

Honestly, these past few weeks have been some of the most difficult days in my life. I knew it would be hard to take a 7 year old little girl from the only home she had ever known, from the only culture she had ever lived in, from the only caregivers she had ever loved and help her become a part of our family. I knew it would be especially difficult with her learning delays, her medical condition, and the language barrier.  I had read books, gone to seminars, and thought I was throughly prepared...BUT nothing could have prepared me for those first few days and weeks with our new daughter. I do not feel it is right  for me to go into detail on this public forum, but if anyone out there has questions, is dealing with a tough transition, or just needs encouragement, please feel free to private message me.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that it is easy yet, but today our new daughter finally LOVES me! Probably too much! She won't hardly let me out of her sight when we are at home. She cried for me the first few days of school. We are working toward a healthy attachement where she can be happy even if Mommy is not right with her every single second,  and hopefully soon we will be there.

Last Sunday, Joy was having a particularly rough morning. She had been crying off and on all morning and was having a difficult time with all the "new" people she was meeting at church. During the worship service she was sitting on my lap just hugging me as tight as could be, and I started crying as we were singing a particularly powerful song. She looked at me and asked, "Why you cry, Mommy?", patted my back to comfort me, and tried to wipe away my tears.  I could not tell her the reason I was crying because I was crying for her. I was crying out to God to heal all the hurts in her heart. I was crying out to God to make her whole, to heal her medical condition, to help her understand how much God loves her and we love her. I was crying out to God for Him to "wrap her in His arms" and comfort her little heart. I was asking God to give me the strength to be the mother that little Joy needs; asking God to give me the patience and to help me to understand why she sometimes acts the way she does. I was asking God to give me the love He has for her and asking Him to help bring us together as a family. And God used Joy to comfort me that morning, telling me "it's gonna be alright."

Most of the time taking a step (or leap, in our case!)  of faith isn't easy. I thought the waiting part of this adoption was hard. I thought the financial part of the adoption was a mountian we would never overcome. (Which, by the way, after we factored all the plane tickets, hotel costs, etc, we were only about $1000 short! That is a MIRACLE!)  That was the easy part. Now the rubber meets the road and we are parenting a child from a broken background (even though she was well taken care of at her orphanage, there is no substitute for a family!) with hurts, learning delays and medical needs.  We have already been to the doctor, the neurologist, an occupational therapist, the dentist...the medical bills are wracking up. Thank God for insurance! We want to get Joy all the help we can get her. Adoption is a beautiful picture, but to see the beauty, you have to walk through the broken. It is not always a cozy, fuzzy, picture-perfect, new-family- loving- each- other..soemtimes it is an angry child,  a hurting child,  deep disappointment, or feeling all alone...someitmes it is siblings not getting along with the new adopted child or the new adopted child jealous of the siblings. Sometimes it is frustration becuase of a language barrier. Sometimes it is fear; fear that the new adopted child will not be able to overcome such big learning delays; fear on the part of the child being in a new culture or that her new family will leave her...but in the end, it is beauty. God specializes in taking the broken and making it into something beautiful.  So I remember Joy's words to me "Why you cry, Mommy?" and I feel her little hand patting me on my back, giving me comfort and I remember that God is in this.  He WILL make something beautiful out of it, even if mostly what I see now is the broken.  In the mean time, I will cherish every hug. I will hold my little girl's hand at night until she goes to sleep. I will correct and guide and nurture her. I will continue to cry out to God, asking Him heal her deepest hurts and make her whole. I will continue to pray to God for strength and wisdom on how to be the mother Joy needs me to be, asking forgiveness when I fail...and I will continue to pray that He will create something beautiful as He takes the broken pieces and knits us together as a family.