Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Desires of my Heart

It's been a long time since my last blog post. We've had a sad twist in our road of life. My mother-in-law went to be with the Lord on March 2nd. She was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and went through chemo and radiation treatments. She seemed to be doing well at Christmas time, but shortly after the first of the year she developed a fever. The doctors searched and did all sorts of tests, but couldn't find any infection. Instead, they found that cancer had spread all throughout her body. So the past couple months have been an exhausting journey, and though it has been rough, our God has been faithful to us. Needless to say, we have had little time to focus on our adoption. Now, as we are getting back into a "new normal" routine, I find myself thinking about the desires that are still deep within my heart and wondering when God is going to answer my hidden longings.

I've got to be honest, for the last several months, I've been feeling a stirring and a longing to do something more for God. I've been feeling discontent with my life the way it is. The routine of getting up and going to work and coming home, working around the house and falling into bed exhausted. I want to do more to reach the lost, but I feel stuck. There are so many unfullfilled desires in my heart and I keep asking God to change my desires to match His plan for my life; the desires keep intensifying. I want our adoption to go more quickly. I'm frustrated with the time it is taking to get our home study approved. I desire to work with Mission 1:27, and help orphans and raise awareness around the world for adoption, but the funding just isn't there. I want to write and share with others God's passion for children around the world, but I just don't have the time. Where do I go from here? I have to keep working full-time and I am so very grateful for my job, but I feel like I am trapped, doing what I am really not called to do. I have a vision, a dream, but no way to get to the fullfillment of that dream. God, I desperately want to follow your plan for my life. If these desires are not from you, please change them and make my heart desire what you have for me. If they are from you, please open up the doors to the fullfillment of these desires. These desires are becoming a desperation and I am having difficulty doing my day to day routine as it is right now. Please, Lord, show me and I will follow you through whatever door You open. I will do WHATEVER you call me to do, HOWEVER you call me to do it. Please, Lord, show me clearly; speak directly and give me the faith to walk where you lead. I need Your clear guidance, Your peace and joy. I need Your wisdom, Your heart for the lost, and Your creativity. Part the Red Sea and let me walk on dry ground; Show me Your way when there seems to be no way. In my desperation let me cling more closely to the cross and find a faith to see beyond the everyday routine. Lord, let my passions become Your passions and continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours. Compell me to action, to give like I've never given before, to go where I've never gone before; Use my weaknesses (there are many!) and let Your strength take over. Lord, let Your plan for my life prevail and let everything I do bring glory to Your name.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Jenna,
    I have not had a chance to offer my condolences in person...but you and Darren and the rest of the family have been in my prayers!

    I can't help but be reminded of the verse in Ps 37, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I used to think that meant God would give me everything my heart wanted...haha! But in the past few years He has been focusing me on the DELIGHTING part and how He will GIVE me the desires of my heart...His desire will become mine! It sounds like that is where you are keep delighting and trust His promise... He WILL GIVE you your hearts desires...

    Just remember vs still and wait patiently on Him to act...ugh! I have a love/hate relationship with that verse ;-)

    Love you, sister...praying and hoping with you!