Happy Gotcha Day!- Or not so happy....

I am not sure why we celebrate Gotcha Day. Looking back, I have to say it was one of the worst days of my little girls' life-and maybe one of my worst days as well. I guess we are celebrating this year because we can testify of all the great things God has done in our family over the past year. He truly has brought us through the difficult transition and woven us together as a family! I am so thankful to Him for seeing us through!

October 5, 2012

Today was the day we would pick up Joy and she would be with us forever. It was supposed to be a happy day. It started off rough. We were supposed to meet at the orphanage at 10:00 AM. Our driver was late-due to traffic (imagine that!) She didn't arrive until just a few minutes before 10:00- and remember, it takes over an hour to get to the orphanage from the hotel.  I wanted to call and let them know we would be late, but I was informed that in the Philippines you do not need to do that. It is almost expected that you will be late-how can you not be late, with that kind of intense traffic!

By the time we arrived at the orphanage, I was a nervous wreck. I HATE being late and I felt terrible about it! I felt even more terrible when we were met by the orphanage director who said the babies had been waiting for the "going away" party, so we would do the party part first before going over all the paperwork. I think Joy was anxious too. I think she thought we were not coming for her. I felt so bad!

They had a nice little celebration for us, with chips of various kinds. Chips were Joy's request for the party food! They decorated and sat all the babies in a circle outside on their back patio.  We sang songs and then Joy went around and hugged everyone and said goodbye. It was heartbreaking. She was saying "goodbye" to the only home she had ever known. And it was a good home. A loving home. She had her needs met-and she loved her caregivers.

We went over the paperwork with the orphanage directors and the social workers-and then it was time to leave.

Joy wanted to ride in our van. She came very willingly and didn't cry one bit. All the caregivers had tears in their eyes. They were sad and happy at the same time. Joy sat between me and Natalie. In the van, she sat rigid and didn't want me to touch her, and then she clung to Natalie. She wouldn't look at me or let me touch her at all. And that's how it began. She was terrified. She was confused. And she wanted Mama Tine, the only Momma she had ever known-but she didn't know how to tell us what she was feeling. Instead, she clung to Natalie and rejected me.

At the hotel, things got worse. She stuck her tongue out at me if I tried to smile at her. She pinched me if I tried to touch her. She spit in my face if I tried to help her in any way. I felt like she hated me. I think she was trying to get us to take her back to the orphanage, the only home she had ever known. I will be absolutely honest.  I had several moments when I wanted to take her back. She was doing her best to act her worst.  I knew she was scared and hurting, but I didn't understand how she could act that way. It doesn't matter how much you study this kind of thing in adoption books-there is no way to prepare yourself for this type of rejection.

We had no honeymoon period. Not even one day. Not even one hour. And she took out all her fear and her anger on me. In turn, I had trouble even liking the little girl we had gone half way across the world to adopt. Judge me if you want, but unless you have been there, you cannot understand. I wanted to love her. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to be her Mommy. She wouldn't let me. She pushed me and pinched me and spit at me. She didn't want me. She wanted what was comfortable. She wanted her bed. She wanted the only momma she ever knew. Isn't this the way we treat God sometimes? He's trying to give us something better than what we had, but we kick and we scream and we push it away, wanting only what is comfortable to us. We have to remember He sees the big picture and we can always trust Him even if it seems painful at times.

It is not true that God does not give you more than you can handle. He gave me way more than I could handle those first several weeks with Joy-but He was right there with me. Without God, I would have given up the first day, but His strength upheld me during those very difficult days.

And so, gotcha day was NOT a happy day. Joy didn't want to be there with us, and the way she was acting, I didn't want her there with us either. This was not the way I had imagined how our first day together would go.

I am so glad that today, one year later, we can celebrate what God has done. I can look back and I am so grateful for the missionaries and caregivers who took such good care of our little Joy. Her complete rejection of me was partially because she was so well loved and she didn't want to leave. I can look back and I can see how far God has brought us. Today, Joy loves her Mommy and Mommy loves her to pieces. Joy is happy now, even though she still misses her first "family" at times. So, Happy Gotcha Day, Joy! Remember on this day that God always loves you and He will always take care of you, even if you are scared or angry or confused. God's hand is upon your life and He can see the big picture, even when you only see the pain.

11 months....1 more month to "gotcha day"!

Joy has been home with us for 11 months now and it has been an incredible journey so far. I have to say these past several weeks have been the most rewarding. Joy has just blossomed and she is so happy these days. She seems to have found her place in our family and be very settled. One of the ladies at church told me on Sunday that she was amazed at the changes in Joy. She told me it made her smile how Joy just "glows" with happiness now. She is not the same scared little girl we brought home almost a year ago and she is living up to her name! Joy is still struggling with school and learning how to read and do math, but I am confident we will be able to help her in these areas with time.

One of the things I love about Joy is her sense of humor. She constantly has us laughing and the whole family likes to quote her funny sayings! The more she learns to say things, the more her sense of humor comes out.  At night when I tuck Joy in, I often encourage her to do her best at school the next day.  Last night after our prayers, she took my chin in her hand and turned my face to her and said, "Look at me, Mom! Now you do your very best at work tomorrow!"  She also had a very funny prayer last night. She prayed that she would get shampoo and make up for her birthday!

I can hardly believe she has been home almost a whole year! In just a couple weeks we will celebrate Joy's first birthday with us as a family.  She will turn 8. Last year at this time, we were anxiously awaiting to receive word of our travel approval and we were so disappointed to have missed her birthday. I think God knew that she needed one more birthday with her "family" at the orphanage who loved and cared for her so much. They had a birthday party for her on her birthday every year. I am so thankful Joy was in a wonderful orphanage where she was so loved. It truly has helped her become the amazing little girl she is today and we are so blessed God put her in our family!

Those of you wondering if you can adopt an older child, I want to encourage you. It is not always easy. There can be many challenges; however, there are so many blessings! If God is speaking to you about adopting an older child or a child who is waiting and longing for a home, please listen to His voice. You will be so glad you did! I don't want to sugarcoat things. There will be difficulties. There will be days you will wonder what you are doing.  There may be days you want to quit. Following Christ isn't always easy, but there are always great rewards when you obey the voice of the Father. I am so glad we took the step of faith to adopt our little girl. I cannot imagine our family without her!

One Day at a time

Do you ever just feel completely and utterly helpless as a parent? Today was one of those days. Joy was scheduled to be tested today by a  psychologist who specializes in dealing with children with epilepsy and learning delays.  I was really looking forward to this testing because I desperately want to help Joy learn and grow academically.  I felt like this was the next step and we would gain some ground on figuring out the puzzle and helping her learn to read, do math, and socialize better.  BUT....after about an hour of questions with very few answers from Joy that made any sense, the psychologist decided that it would be better to wait at least another 4-6 months before doing the actual testing because Joy's English is so delayed. He wasn't sure the testing would be very accurate since she has difficulty expressing herself and we don't know exactly how much she understands of what we are telling her. So, we are back to square one. And I feel completely and utterly helpless. Where do we go from here? I feel like we have come so far in 6 1/2 months, and yet we have so far to go. I feel helpless on how to assist Joy in getting where she needs to be academically. The psychologist recommended speech therapy, which she is already in at school. He recommended occupational therapy, which she also already does weekly. Are we already doing what we need to do? It seems like we should be doing more. Sometimes it feels like we are just going 'round and 'round in circles and getting nowhere in helping her!

I struggle often with sorting out the pieces to the puzzle of adoption and learning delays. What part of Joy's delays are due to the physical malformation in her brain? What part of her delays are due to being in an orphanage with much younger children? How has the life-changing event of adoption affected her? How in the WORLD do we sort this out? And so, we just take it one day at a time. On days like today, when I feel helpless, I pray and I think about how far we have come.  I pray for guidance to find the right therapists and the right child care for summertime. I pray for her teachers and for the transition next year at school. I pray that I will have the knowledge and wisdom on how to help her as her mom.  And I pray for Joy, that God will give her peace and strength and she will learn and grow to become the person God created her to be. I am so glad that although I may not have any of the answers, I serve a God who has ALL the answers. So for now, I am doing all I can do-just taking it one day at a time.

Sibling Love...or not!

Sibling bonding isn't a topic written about very frequently on adoption blogs or in books, but for me, it has been one of the biggest difficulties with our adoption.  When we first started talking about adoption, Natalie, who is now 11 years old, immediately wanted a sister and Micah, who is 8 years old,  wanted a brother. When we found out we were going to adopt Joy, Natalie was ecstatic! Micah, on the other hand, continued to pray we would adopt a BOY AND A GIRL! (Not sure that is going to happen...but we will see!) Natalie was so excited to have a little sister; however, when we met Joy and brought her home, Natalie was NOT expecting her to act the way she did. It didn't even take a few days and she was frustrated and annoyed with her new little sister. Joy was not the kind of sister she anticipated or imagined!  We tried to prepare Natalie in advance, reminding her that Joy was in an orphanage where she was the oldest child and all the others were babies.  We reminded her that Joy had learning delays and would probably act younger than her age, but I don't think Natalie was REALLY prepared.  She wasn't prepared for a sister who clung to her one minute, and would try to hit her or pinch her the next. She wasn't prepared for a sister who, although is 7 years old, sometimes acts like she is 3 or 4. Micah, who is super sensitive, was deeply hurt by the way Joy treated me. At first he tried to reassure me with wise-beyond- his -years words, "Mom, her mom abandoned her and she is scared you will leave her too."   But as time went on he would sometimes get tears in his eyes, as he gave me a hug. "Mom, I am sorry she treats you that way."  I will never forget the morning, several weeks after we came home from the Philippines, Micah went to our children's pastor at church and asked for prayer. "My new sister is stressing me out" he said, almost in tears.  And so....it has been a learning journey as far as sibling bonding goes.

We discovered a few things rather quickly that have helped us grow together as a family and nurture sibling bonding. I would suggest any family adopting an older child or a child with special needs, if you have other children in the household, to consider and adapt these principles for your own family.

1) Set aside some time to spend with your biological children alone- without making the newly adopted child feel left out-especially during the cocooning stage.  This sounds counter-productive, but it is very helpful because a newly adopted child, especially in those first few months, requires a LOT of Mommy and Daddy attention. It is important to have time for your biological children alone if possible because it is easy for them to start feeling bitter or sad or angry at the newly adopted child for taking up all your time and attention.  It is also a good time to talk about how they can help their new sibling adjust and adapt and for them to share their feelings with you. It is important your kids know they can talk to you about how they are feeling. They share the stress and feel the stress involved in adoption. It impacts the ENTIRE family. If you have a chance to talk about it and pray together, the feelings will not fester and grow and become something ugly!

 In our house, Joy goes to bed promptly at 8:00. I sit with her until she falls asleep each night, which she usually does fairly quickly. We allow Natalie and Micah to stay up until 9:00 or even sometimes until 9:30. This is time for them with Mom and Dad, without making Joy feel left out. We sometimes play games or watch a movie or even just read books together. This has worked out very well for us!  

2) Rely upon friends and family to take your biological children out in order to give them some special attention and a break from all the "trauma". We have a friend at church, who has a daughter Natalie's age.  This friend, starting from just a week or so after we got home from the Philippines has invited Natalie over often to spend the night or out for the day, without ever expecting us to return the favor.  (We didn't allow Natalie to spend the night right away, because we didn't want Joy to be traumatized thinking Natalie was not going to come back, but we did let her go out for a few hours. Eventually, we let her start spending the night.) This is great because it gives Natalie a much needed break from her new sister, who is sharing her room.  Sometimes, space is the key! Giving each child one on one attention is important and making sure each child knows they are loved and appreciated.  Sometimes, the "new" kid demands all the attention and it is necessary to make sure you do not "neglect" your other children in the process!

3) Schedule "Dates". This one is similar to the previous one, but instead of relying on others, take turns having Mommy or Daddy dates with each child individually. This doesn't have to be expensive or extensive. It can mean just going out for ice cream, going to a store, or going to a park to play. One on one time is good for each child and it can also be a refreshing time for the parents! If you have multiple children, you can also do "dates" with the adopted child and one of the biological children to foster bonding of the siblings.  I took the "girls" shopping one day and we had a blast! Since Micah does NOT like to shop (unless it includes Legos), it was fun to go shopping with the girls and it helped to nurture their relationship.

4) Work together!  Ok...maybe this one is a little obvious, but for us this is how it looks. Joy struggled in her attachement to me, so my husband and I had to tag-team it a lot, starting from day one! At first it was because I couldn't even be in a room alone with Joy, but now Joy demands MUCH of my attention from the time I get home from work until she goes to bed. My husband will usually focus on spending time helping the older two with homework, housework, and playtime while I focus mostly on Joy. Not to say that I ignore the other children, it's just that she requires more attention than the typical child her age.  We have found if we tag-team it and work together in this way, all of our children are happy.

5) Be consistent in correction and in affection.  Be consistent in how you correct each child. Be consistent in how you show affection to each child. This can be difficult. It can be exhausting. I am not saying you correct or discipline them each the same way or even show affection to each of them the same way, but you MUST be consistent! Each child must know the boundries and be corrected if those boundries are crossed. Your biological children must not feel like you show "favoritism" to the newly adopted one and VICE VERSA! Remember your adopted one is new and can often feel left out and not part of the family.  Jealousy can flow both ways, and it will DESTROY sibling bonding. This can also flow over to outside the family relationships. Make sure family members do not show undue attention to the "new" one, while ignoring the other children. If this happens, gently find a way to include ALL the children.

6) Remember, in the same way bonding takes time for a parent/child relationship, bonding takes time in a sibling relationship. There were many moments at the beginning when I wondered if the three of our children would ever get along or even LIKE each other; however, as time goes on, I see some beautiful glimpses of bonding and it makes this momma's heart happy! Their relationship is not perfect and there is still a very long way to go, but I feel like they are starting to develop a growing sibling bond of love!

Here are just a few glimpses:

There are times when Joy is crying, Natalie will hold her and ask if she misses "Momma Tine" and comfort her as only a sister can. 

There are times when Micah tries to teach her new words The other day, Micah said, "I am going to teach Joy a new word. Her word of the day is 'delish'." Micah to Joy, "Joy-Joy, say 'Delish'. These green beans are delish."  She laughed and replied in her cute little accent, "Delish!"

Oh...and let's not forget "the annoying song" Micah had to teach Joy! It's literally called "The song that gets on everybody's nerves." Try listening to that in the car on a road trip!

"Na-ta-lie!" Na-ta-lie!" Joy calls. "What Joy?" Natalie answers. "I love you!" says Joy.

And that, my friends, is what I have to remember when the arguing and the fighting starts. It's not always easy, but it is a growing and developing relationship which we have to work hard to nurture! God will continue to knit our family together and give us love for each other as we acknowledge Him in all we do!

Do you have ways you have nurtured sibling bonding and helped nurture a true family relationship? If so, comment below.  I would love to hear your ideas!

Adopting an older child

When Darren and I first felt God impress upon our hearts to adopt and we began to do a little research on adoption, we both felt that God was leading us to adopt a "waiting" child. We were blown away by the number of children in orphanages over the age of 5. Once a child reaches the age of 5 or 6, their chances of being adopted plummets. So many people are willing to adopt a healthy, infant or toddler, but when a child has something medically wrong with them or they are older, children are often labeled as "unadoptable."  There are numbers of beautiful children and teenagers waiting for a family, who have been passed over simply because they are not a baby anymore! There are numerous others who have been passed over because they have a medical need, maybe even something small like a cleft lip or crossed eyes.

Our little girl is almost 7! Her birthday will be coming up here shortly and we hope to have her home with us so we can celebrate her birthday as a family. She does have some special medical needs, but when we consulted physicians and spent time in prayer...God gave us peace that He will give us the strength to handle whatever comes our way. (And to look at her picture, you would never know it!!!)

We are excited to become a family to a little girl who has been waiting....who has watched friends go home with their forever families and who has expressed desire to be adopted; however, adopting an older child has some challenges as well. Many of these children carry a heavy burden from their past and a feeling of rejection. Many of them are scared to love their adoptive family because they don't want to face being abandoned again. All of them have dealt with pain beyond their years; and yet, God loves each and every one of them. How are they to know God's love, if someone doesn't show it to them? We are praying that we can be the family that Joy Noelle needs and that we can show her God's love in a whole new way.

This fundraiser we are doing with Give1Save1 is the LAST fundraiser we plan to do! Will you help us raise the funds needed to purchase our plane tickets? Round trip plane tickets to the Philippines cost about $1200 EACH right now and $900 for a one way ticket home. For just Darren and I and Joy Noelle, that is $3300.00!  We've raised $853 in the last two days. Our goal for the week is $3000 toward the plane tickets. Would you help us get there by donating $1 at http://www.give1save1asia.blogspot.com/ and sharing our story with a family member or friend?