Sibling bonding isn't a topic written about very frequently on adoption blogs or in books, but for me, it has been one of the biggest difficulties with our adoption. When we first started talking about adoption, Natalie, who is now 11 years old, immediately wanted a sister and Micah, who is 8 years old, wanted a brother. When we found out we were going to adopt Joy, Natalie was ecstatic! Micah, on the other hand, continued to pray we would adopt a BOY AND A GIRL! (Not sure that is going to happen...but we will see!) Natalie was so excited to have a little sister; however, when we met Joy and brought her home, Natalie was NOT expecting her to act the way she did. It didn't even take a few days and she was frustrated and annoyed with her new little sister. Joy was not the kind of sister she anticipated or imagined! We tried to prepare Natalie in advance, reminding her that Joy was in an orphanage where she was the oldest child and all the others were babies. We reminded her that Joy had learning delays and would probably act younger than her age, but I don't think Natalie was REALLY prepared. She wasn't prepared for a sister who clung to her one minute, and would try to hit her or pinch her the next. She wasn't prepared for a sister who, although is 7 years old, sometimes acts like she is 3 or 4. Micah, who is super sensitive, was deeply hurt by the way Joy treated me. At first he tried to reassure me with wise-beyond- his -years words, "Mom, her mom abandoned her and she is scared you will leave her too." But as time went on he would sometimes get tears in his eyes, as he gave me a hug. "Mom, I am sorry she treats you that way." I will never forget the morning, several weeks after we came home from the Philippines, Micah went to our children's pastor at church and asked for prayer. "My new sister is stressing me out" he said, almost in tears. And so....it has been a learning journey as far as sibling bonding goes.
We discovered a few things rather quickly that have helped us grow together as a family and nurture sibling bonding. I would suggest any family adopting an older child or a child with special needs, if you have other children in the household, to consider and adapt these principles for your own family.
1) Set aside some time to spend with your biological children alone- without making the newly adopted child feel left out-especially during the cocooning stage. This sounds counter-productive, but it is very helpful because a newly adopted child, especially in those first few months, requires a LOT of Mommy and Daddy attention. It is important to have time for your biological children alone if possible because it is easy for them to start feeling bitter or sad or angry at the newly adopted child for taking up all your time and attention. It is also a good time to talk about how they can help their new sibling adjust and adapt and for them to share their feelings with you. It is important your kids know they can talk to you about how they are feeling. They share the stress and feel the stress involved in adoption. It impacts the ENTIRE family. If you have a chance to talk about it and pray together, the feelings will not fester and grow and become something ugly!
In our house, Joy goes to bed promptly at 8:00. I sit with her until she falls asleep each night, which she usually does fairly quickly. We allow Natalie and Micah to stay up until 9:00 or even sometimes until 9:30. This is time for them with Mom and Dad, without making Joy feel left out. We sometimes play games or watch a movie or even just read books together. This has worked out very well for us!
2) Rely upon friends and family to take your biological children out in order to give them some special attention and a break from all the "trauma". We have a friend at church, who has a daughter Natalie's age. This friend, starting from just a week or so after we got home from the Philippines has invited Natalie over often to spend the night or out for the day, without ever expecting us to return the favor. (We didn't allow Natalie to spend the night right away, because we didn't want Joy to be traumatized thinking Natalie was not going to come back, but we did let her go out for a few hours. Eventually, we let her start spending the night.) This is great because it gives Natalie a much needed break from her new sister, who is sharing her room. Sometimes, space is the key! Giving each child one on one attention is important and making sure each child knows they are loved and appreciated. Sometimes, the "new" kid demands all the attention and it is necessary to make sure you do not "neglect" your other children in the process!
3) Schedule "Dates". This one is similar to the previous one, but instead of relying on others, take turns having Mommy or Daddy dates with each child individually. This doesn't have to be expensive or extensive. It can mean just going out for ice cream, going to a store, or going to a park to play. One on one time is good for each child and it can also be a refreshing time for the parents! If you have multiple children, you can also do "dates" with the adopted child and one of the biological children to foster bonding of the siblings. I took the "girls" shopping one day and we had a blast! Since Micah does NOT like to shop (unless it includes Legos), it was fun to go shopping with the girls and it helped to nurture their relationship.
4) Work together! Ok...maybe this one is a little obvious, but for us this is how it looks. Joy struggled in her attachement to me, so my husband and I had to tag-team it a lot, starting from day one! At first it was because I couldn't even be in a room alone with Joy, but now Joy demands MUCH of my attention from the time I get home from work until she goes to bed. My husband will usually focus on spending time helping the older two with homework, housework, and playtime while I focus mostly on Joy. Not to say that I ignore the other children, it's just that she requires more attention than the typical child her age. We have found if we tag-team it and work together in this way, all of our children are happy.
5) Be consistent in correction and in affection. Be consistent in how you correct each child. Be consistent in how you show affection to each child. This can be difficult. It can be exhausting. I am not saying you correct or discipline them each the same way or even show affection to each of them the same way, but you MUST be consistent! Each child must know the boundries and be corrected if those boundries are crossed. Your biological children must not feel like you show "favoritism" to the newly adopted one and VICE VERSA! Remember your adopted one is new and can often feel left out and not part of the family. Jealousy can flow both ways, and it will DESTROY sibling bonding. This can also flow over to outside the family relationships. Make sure family members do not show undue attention to the "new" one, while ignoring the other children. If this happens, gently find a way to include ALL the children.
6) Remember, in the same way bonding takes time for a parent/child relationship, bonding takes time in a sibling relationship. There were many moments at the beginning when I wondered if the three of our children would ever get along or even LIKE each other; however, as time goes on, I see some beautiful glimpses of bonding and it makes this momma's heart happy! Their relationship is not perfect and there is still a very long way to go, but I feel like they are starting to develop a growing sibling bond of love!
Here are just a few glimpses:
There are times when Joy is crying, Natalie will hold her and ask if she misses "Momma Tine" and comfort her as only a sister can.
There are times when Micah tries to teach her new words The other day, Micah said, "I am going to teach Joy a new word. Her word of the day is 'delish'." Micah to Joy, "Joy-Joy, say 'Delish'. These green beans are delish." She laughed and replied in her cute little accent, "Delish!"
Oh...and let's not forget "the annoying song" Micah had to teach Joy! It's literally called "The song that gets on everybody's nerves." Try listening to that in the car on a road trip!
"Na-ta-lie!" Na-ta-lie!" Joy calls. "What Joy?" Natalie answers. "I love you!" says Joy.
And that, my friends, is what I have to remember when the arguing and the fighting starts. It's not always easy, but it is a growing and developing relationship which we have to work hard to nurture! God will continue to knit our family together and give us love for each other as we acknowledge Him in all we do!
Do you have ways you have nurtured sibling bonding and helped nurture a true family relationship? If so, comment below. I would love to hear your ideas!
Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
I'd do it all over again
Adoption is full of emotional ups and downs, and they don't stop once your new child is home with you. If you asked me the week we got home from the Philippines with our new daughter if I would ever adopt again, my response would have been, "No way! Once is MORE than I can handle!" Now, almost six months later, I have to say, "Yes, absolutely!" Some of you who have seen the trials we have gone through may ask "Why? Why would you put yourself and your family through all that again?"
Because it's simply not about me. It's about God's heart for the fatherless. It's about a child who needs a family. It's about following God wherever He calls me to go. It's about loving sacrificially, and no matter what the sacrifice God asks of you, it is ALWAYS worth it in the end. The mountains of paperwork. The excruciating long wait. The thousands of dollars and financial strain. The most terrible flight through a typhoon, including two hours of extreme turbulance. The disappointment and pain of rejection. The panic moments when I really thought "There is NO WAY I can do this! What in the world is God thinking, asking this of me?"(yes,it happened at the hotel in Manila,only a couple hours after picking our daughter up! I had a breakdown!-Just ask my husband!) The weeks of jetlag and interrupted sleep. The continuing struggle with siblings. The melding of differences in personalities. The need for constant attention. The numerous medical and therapy appointments. The worries of learning delays. Yes. It is worth every single moment.
The big hugs around my neck. The unsolicited, "Mommy, I love you." The big smile when she puts on her new dress and exclaims "I princess!" The contented sigh when she sits in my lap. The excitement when she sees her many new friends and family at church. The joy of seeing her blossom and grow as she gains confidence in who God created her to be. Her little voice telling me, just a couple weeks ago. "I wait a long time for you to come. My family." And then a few days ago her declaration, "Mommy, I no miss Momma Tine anymore. I love Mommy and Daddy." It is OH, SO WORTH IT!
It is worth every heartache, every tear I cried. It is worth every struggle and battle of the wills. It is worth every bruise on my arms from being pinched and scratched. It is worth every time she rejected me by spitting in my face. It is worth every tantrum. (Even the ones on the airplane and at the airport on the way home!) It is worth every sibling fight. It is worth every inner-struggle and insecurity I face. It is worth it ALL to see such a beautiful miracle unfold.
Yes, no question about it, I would do it all over again. If God opens the door for us to adopt another child, I will do it in a heartbeat because, even though the cost is great and the road is rough, it is absolutely worth it!
Because it's simply not about me. It's about God's heart for the fatherless. It's about a child who needs a family. It's about following God wherever He calls me to go. It's about loving sacrificially, and no matter what the sacrifice God asks of you, it is ALWAYS worth it in the end. The mountains of paperwork. The excruciating long wait. The thousands of dollars and financial strain. The most terrible flight through a typhoon, including two hours of extreme turbulance. The disappointment and pain of rejection. The panic moments when I really thought "There is NO WAY I can do this! What in the world is God thinking, asking this of me?"(yes,it happened at the hotel in Manila,only a couple hours after picking our daughter up! I had a breakdown!-Just ask my husband!) The weeks of jetlag and interrupted sleep. The continuing struggle with siblings. The melding of differences in personalities. The need for constant attention. The numerous medical and therapy appointments. The worries of learning delays. Yes. It is worth every single moment.
The big hugs around my neck. The unsolicited, "Mommy, I love you." The big smile when she puts on her new dress and exclaims "I princess!" The contented sigh when she sits in my lap. The excitement when she sees her many new friends and family at church. The joy of seeing her blossom and grow as she gains confidence in who God created her to be. Her little voice telling me, just a couple weeks ago. "I wait a long time for you to come. My family." And then a few days ago her declaration, "Mommy, I no miss Momma Tine anymore. I love Mommy and Daddy." It is OH, SO WORTH IT!
It is worth every heartache, every tear I cried. It is worth every struggle and battle of the wills. It is worth every bruise on my arms from being pinched and scratched. It is worth every time she rejected me by spitting in my face. It is worth every tantrum. (Even the ones on the airplane and at the airport on the way home!) It is worth every sibling fight. It is worth every inner-struggle and insecurity I face. It is worth it ALL to see such a beautiful miracle unfold.
Yes, no question about it, I would do it all over again. If God opens the door for us to adopt another child, I will do it in a heartbeat because, even though the cost is great and the road is rough, it is absolutely worth it!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Woven Together
I have a confession to make. I am just now, finally, almost five months after bringing Joy home from the Philippines, feeling the love for my new little one that I imagined I would feel from the very beginning. My adoption journey has been very different than some of my friends. When I first saw Joy's picture, I did not have that epiphany moment, saying "She's the one! That's my girl!" I never fell completely in love with her picture. I guess it was because I knew there was a possibility that the Philippine government would say "no" to our request to adopt her. My prayer was always..."Lord, if this is your will, please let them say yes. But if not, please bring the right child into our family and the right family for her." After the intense and LONG wait when we received word that Joy was ours, I was so excited. I tried to imagine what she would be like and how she would fit into our family. I prayed for her every day and wondered often what she was doing. But NEVER in my imagining did I think that she would react to me the way she did. And honestly, it hurt me deeply. I wondered what we had gotten ourselves into and how I could love a child that disliked me so much. I worried that we had "ruined" our family and what would happen if she never changed. Our transition was rough. I cried many tears. Joy cried many tears. My 8 year old son asked his children's pastor for prayer because he was "stressed out" because of the way his new sister was acting. My 11 year old daughter became frustrated very quickly. I had to remind myself often that God is in this adoption journey and He has a plan. I had to trust Him that it was going to be alright and He knows what is best for our family.
Joy came from an orphange where she was loved since she was born. I didn't realize her ties would be so strong and she would grieve so deeply. I am so grateful to her caretakers and the orphange directors because it is a testiment of their great care for the children. In the beginning, Joy cried for them often. Now that she is more comfortable here and has learned to love and trust us, Joy speaks frequently of her many "Ate's" who cared for her and the orphanage directors who obviously love her dearly. Now just a few months later, I stand amazed at what God has done so far. He took this little, scared and hurting girl and He weaved her into our family. He took my fears and insecurities, and helped me understand and love Joy in a very special way.
Now, I cannot imagine our family without our spunky, loveable, adorable little girl. She makes me laugh with her funny phrases. She makes my day brighter with her many hugs and kisses. She lights up the room with her smile. She praises Jesus with all her heart. She melts my heart with her prayers for others. Joy enjoys playing with Natalie and Micah now and they get along like they have always been siblings! She has truely woven her way into our family and into my heart. I am so thankful to have the "feelings" of love to finally go along with the actions.
I am so thankful to God for giving us our little Filipina girl and I can't wait until her adoption is finalized so I can show off her beautiful little face!
Joy came from an orphange where she was loved since she was born. I didn't realize her ties would be so strong and she would grieve so deeply. I am so grateful to her caretakers and the orphange directors because it is a testiment of their great care for the children. In the beginning, Joy cried for them often. Now that she is more comfortable here and has learned to love and trust us, Joy speaks frequently of her many "Ate's" who cared for her and the orphanage directors who obviously love her dearly. Now just a few months later, I stand amazed at what God has done so far. He took this little, scared and hurting girl and He weaved her into our family. He took my fears and insecurities, and helped me understand and love Joy in a very special way.
Now, I cannot imagine our family without our spunky, loveable, adorable little girl. She makes me laugh with her funny phrases. She makes my day brighter with her many hugs and kisses. She lights up the room with her smile. She praises Jesus with all her heart. She melts my heart with her prayers for others. Joy enjoys playing with Natalie and Micah now and they get along like they have always been siblings! She has truely woven her way into our family and into my heart. I am so thankful to have the "feelings" of love to finally go along with the actions.
I am so thankful to God for giving us our little Filipina girl and I can't wait until her adoption is finalized so I can show off her beautiful little face!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Challenges and "Joys"
Two months ago....we were on our way home from getting our new daughter from the Philippines.. I haven't written a lot about our trip, but it was definitely not a vacation! The trip there was long...including 2 hours of severe turbulance when we flew through a typhoon on our flight into Tokoyo-(this resulted in two sick kids, !). I was never so happy to be on firm ground again, but then we had to run through the airport to make our connecting flight to Manila and board right back on another airplane!
Manila was croweded and I mostly felt claustrophobic the whole time I was there. The people, though, are genuine and friendly. I would have loved to had time to get outside of the city and see some of the beautiful country, where I hear it is not so crowded!
When we first met Joy, she was shy, but she clung to Natalie right away. We had told her that Natalie was her "Ate", which means "big sister", but we found out quickly that she called all of her caregivers "Ate". She thought that Natalie was going to be the one taking care of her, so she had decided in her mind that she would love Natalie. Me, on the other hand, not so much. She had really no concept of what a "mother" or "family" was, and I think she was angry at me for taking her away from the only "family" she had ever known and quite possibly terrified of the whole situation! While we were in the Philippines, she did not warm up to me at all and it was a challenge, to say the least. We did not get a "honeymoon" period like I have heard some families talk about! As we have been at home, she fairly quickly warmed up to me and now she is very affectionate with all of us. It is definitely a "joy" to feel those little arms tight around my neck! She loves to give hugs and kisses! :)
We've had the challenges with language barrier, but also laughter. Joy heard the song, "Feliz Navidad" on the radio and she began to sing loudly "Police and a dog". Now that is a standing joke in our family! Joy loves to laugh and has a great sense of humor.
We've had challenges in meshing the "family" together, but already, I have seen a change in Micah and Natalie and how they get along with Joy. Oh, they still have normal arguments and annoyances like any brothers and sisters, but Joy is now a part of our family and I can't imagine it any other way. It is a "joy" to see the kids become a family together!
We are facing some big challenges with Joy's special needs and learning delays. We noticed quite quickly that Joy has difficulty learning in certain areas. I am looking forward to seeing her learn and grow as we work with her and find her the help she needs.
We have come so far in the past two months. Do we still have difficult days? Absolutely. I have read some blogs where everything seems to be going just so perfectly and peachy keen from the very first day...and I wonder...is this for real? Some people are afraid to blog about the realities of adoption because they are afraid of judgment from others. They are afraid that people will say, "You asked for it by adopting an older child," or "This was YOUR choice". BUT the reality is, adoption is not God's first plan for a family. It is not always perfect. It is not always beautiful. It is born out of death or abandonment. It is born out of tradgedy and pain. Don't get me wrong. I am an adoption advocate and I BELIEVE in adoption. God wants us as His children to take care of orphans, but I also want others to know the reality. It takes a strength that sometimes you don't have in and of yourself. It takes a willingness to deal with unpleasant behavior, to love selflessly, to sacrifice time and money for a child who might not always ACT lovable, and definitely doesn't always feel thankful (maybe even resents you for taking them away from the only home they have ever known!). It takes a determination and commiment to parent a child that has been broken and hurt and may be a totally different personality than you. Adopting an older child, especially one with special needs, is not for the faint of heart. To be honest....I struggle. I am not always willing to give selflessly like I should. I have seen a side of myself that I am not proud of. I have been frustrated, brought to tears, and even asked God "why" at times...but God is stretching me and making me into someone with a greater understanding for a hurting child, a greater compassion for parents of children with special needs, and a bigger heart for those who do foster care. I pray that God will make me into the mother He wants me to be so I can help others who might be struggling with difficult adoptions. Once again, this adoption journey has been much more challenging than I expected; but God never said following His plan would be easy or comfortable. I pray that He will continue to change me and make me into the person He wants me to be. I will revel in the joys and trust God to help us overcome the challenges and through it all, I pray that He will be glorified in our family.
Manila was croweded and I mostly felt claustrophobic the whole time I was there. The people, though, are genuine and friendly. I would have loved to had time to get outside of the city and see some of the beautiful country, where I hear it is not so crowded!
When we first met Joy, she was shy, but she clung to Natalie right away. We had told her that Natalie was her "Ate", which means "big sister", but we found out quickly that she called all of her caregivers "Ate". She thought that Natalie was going to be the one taking care of her, so she had decided in her mind that she would love Natalie. Me, on the other hand, not so much. She had really no concept of what a "mother" or "family" was, and I think she was angry at me for taking her away from the only "family" she had ever known and quite possibly terrified of the whole situation! While we were in the Philippines, she did not warm up to me at all and it was a challenge, to say the least. We did not get a "honeymoon" period like I have heard some families talk about! As we have been at home, she fairly quickly warmed up to me and now she is very affectionate with all of us. It is definitely a "joy" to feel those little arms tight around my neck! She loves to give hugs and kisses! :)
We've had the challenges with language barrier, but also laughter. Joy heard the song, "Feliz Navidad" on the radio and she began to sing loudly "Police and a dog". Now that is a standing joke in our family! Joy loves to laugh and has a great sense of humor.
We've had challenges in meshing the "family" together, but already, I have seen a change in Micah and Natalie and how they get along with Joy. Oh, they still have normal arguments and annoyances like any brothers and sisters, but Joy is now a part of our family and I can't imagine it any other way. It is a "joy" to see the kids become a family together!
We are facing some big challenges with Joy's special needs and learning delays. We noticed quite quickly that Joy has difficulty learning in certain areas. I am looking forward to seeing her learn and grow as we work with her and find her the help she needs.
We have come so far in the past two months. Do we still have difficult days? Absolutely. I have read some blogs where everything seems to be going just so perfectly and peachy keen from the very first day...and I wonder...is this for real? Some people are afraid to blog about the realities of adoption because they are afraid of judgment from others. They are afraid that people will say, "You asked for it by adopting an older child," or "This was YOUR choice". BUT the reality is, adoption is not God's first plan for a family. It is not always perfect. It is not always beautiful. It is born out of death or abandonment. It is born out of tradgedy and pain. Don't get me wrong. I am an adoption advocate and I BELIEVE in adoption. God wants us as His children to take care of orphans, but I also want others to know the reality. It takes a strength that sometimes you don't have in and of yourself. It takes a willingness to deal with unpleasant behavior, to love selflessly, to sacrifice time and money for a child who might not always ACT lovable, and definitely doesn't always feel thankful (maybe even resents you for taking them away from the only home they have ever known!). It takes a determination and commiment to parent a child that has been broken and hurt and may be a totally different personality than you. Adopting an older child, especially one with special needs, is not for the faint of heart. To be honest....I struggle. I am not always willing to give selflessly like I should. I have seen a side of myself that I am not proud of. I have been frustrated, brought to tears, and even asked God "why" at times...but God is stretching me and making me into someone with a greater understanding for a hurting child, a greater compassion for parents of children with special needs, and a bigger heart for those who do foster care. I pray that God will make me into the mother He wants me to be so I can help others who might be struggling with difficult adoptions. Once again, this adoption journey has been much more challenging than I expected; but God never said following His plan would be easy or comfortable. I pray that He will continue to change me and make me into the person He wants me to be. I will revel in the joys and trust God to help us overcome the challenges and through it all, I pray that He will be glorified in our family.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
"Why you cry, Mommy?"
Honestly, these past few weeks have been some of the most difficult days in my life. I knew it would be hard to take a 7 year old little girl from the only home she had ever known, from the only culture she had ever lived in, from the only caregivers she had ever loved and help her become a part of our family. I knew it would be especially difficult with her learning delays, her medical condition, and the language barrier. I had read books, gone to seminars, and thought I was throughly prepared...BUT nothing could have prepared me for those first few days and weeks with our new daughter. I do not feel it is right for me to go into detail on this public forum, but if anyone out there has questions, is dealing with a tough transition, or just needs encouragement, please feel free to private message me. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that it is easy yet, but today our new daughter finally LOVES me! Probably too much! She won't hardly let me out of her sight when we are at home. She cried for me the first few days of school. We are working toward a healthy attachement where she can be happy even if Mommy is not right with her every single second, and hopefully soon we will be there.
Last Sunday, Joy was having a particularly rough morning. She had been crying off and on all morning and was having a difficult time with all the "new" people she was meeting at church. During the worship service she was sitting on my lap just hugging me as tight as could be, and I started crying as we were singing a particularly powerful song. She looked at me and asked, "Why you cry, Mommy?", patted my back to comfort me, and tried to wipe away my tears. I could not tell her the reason I was crying because I was crying for her. I was crying out to God to heal all the hurts in her heart. I was crying out to God to make her whole, to heal her medical condition, to help her understand how much God loves her and we love her. I was crying out to God for Him to "wrap her in His arms" and comfort her little heart. I was asking God to give me the strength to be the mother that little Joy needs; asking God to give me the patience and to help me to understand why she sometimes acts the way she does. I was asking God to give me the love He has for her and asking Him to help bring us together as a family. And God used Joy to comfort me that morning, telling me "it's gonna be alright."
Most of the time taking a step (or leap, in our case!) of faith isn't easy. I thought the waiting part of this adoption was hard. I thought the financial part of the adoption was a mountian we would never overcome. (Which, by the way, after we factored all the plane tickets, hotel costs, etc, we were only about $1000 short! That is a MIRACLE!) That was the easy part. Now the rubber meets the road and we are parenting a child from a broken background (even though she was well taken care of at her orphanage, there is no substitute for a family!) with hurts, learning delays and medical needs. We have already been to the doctor, the neurologist, an occupational therapist, the dentist...the medical bills are wracking up. Thank God for insurance! We want to get Joy all the help we can get her. Adoption is a beautiful picture, but to see the beauty, you have to walk through the broken. It is not always a cozy, fuzzy, picture-perfect, new-family- loving- each- other..soemtimes it is an angry child, a hurting child, deep disappointment, or feeling all alone...someitmes it is siblings not getting along with the new adopted child or the new adopted child jealous of the siblings. Sometimes it is frustration becuase of a language barrier. Sometimes it is fear; fear that the new adopted child will not be able to overcome such big learning delays; fear on the part of the child being in a new culture or that her new family will leave her...but in the end, it is beauty. God specializes in taking the broken and making it into something beautiful. So I remember Joy's words to me "Why you cry, Mommy?" and I feel her little hand patting me on my back, giving me comfort and I remember that God is in this. He WILL make something beautiful out of it, even if mostly what I see now is the broken. In the mean time, I will cherish every hug. I will hold my little girl's hand at night until she goes to sleep. I will correct and guide and nurture her. I will continue to cry out to God, asking Him heal her deepest hurts and make her whole. I will continue to pray to God for strength and wisdom on how to be the mother Joy needs me to be, asking forgiveness when I fail...and I will continue to pray that He will create something beautiful as He takes the broken pieces and knits us together as a family.
Last Sunday, Joy was having a particularly rough morning. She had been crying off and on all morning and was having a difficult time with all the "new" people she was meeting at church. During the worship service she was sitting on my lap just hugging me as tight as could be, and I started crying as we were singing a particularly powerful song. She looked at me and asked, "Why you cry, Mommy?", patted my back to comfort me, and tried to wipe away my tears. I could not tell her the reason I was crying because I was crying for her. I was crying out to God to heal all the hurts in her heart. I was crying out to God to make her whole, to heal her medical condition, to help her understand how much God loves her and we love her. I was crying out to God for Him to "wrap her in His arms" and comfort her little heart. I was asking God to give me the strength to be the mother that little Joy needs; asking God to give me the patience and to help me to understand why she sometimes acts the way she does. I was asking God to give me the love He has for her and asking Him to help bring us together as a family. And God used Joy to comfort me that morning, telling me "it's gonna be alright."
Most of the time taking a step (or leap, in our case!) of faith isn't easy. I thought the waiting part of this adoption was hard. I thought the financial part of the adoption was a mountian we would never overcome. (Which, by the way, after we factored all the plane tickets, hotel costs, etc, we were only about $1000 short! That is a MIRACLE!) That was the easy part. Now the rubber meets the road and we are parenting a child from a broken background (even though she was well taken care of at her orphanage, there is no substitute for a family!) with hurts, learning delays and medical needs. We have already been to the doctor, the neurologist, an occupational therapist, the dentist...the medical bills are wracking up. Thank God for insurance! We want to get Joy all the help we can get her. Adoption is a beautiful picture, but to see the beauty, you have to walk through the broken. It is not always a cozy, fuzzy, picture-perfect, new-family- loving- each- other..soemtimes it is an angry child, a hurting child, deep disappointment, or feeling all alone...someitmes it is siblings not getting along with the new adopted child or the new adopted child jealous of the siblings. Sometimes it is frustration becuase of a language barrier. Sometimes it is fear; fear that the new adopted child will not be able to overcome such big learning delays; fear on the part of the child being in a new culture or that her new family will leave her...but in the end, it is beauty. God specializes in taking the broken and making it into something beautiful. So I remember Joy's words to me "Why you cry, Mommy?" and I feel her little hand patting me on my back, giving me comfort and I remember that God is in this. He WILL make something beautiful out of it, even if mostly what I see now is the broken. In the mean time, I will cherish every hug. I will hold my little girl's hand at night until she goes to sleep. I will correct and guide and nurture her. I will continue to cry out to God, asking Him heal her deepest hurts and make her whole. I will continue to pray to God for strength and wisdom on how to be the mother Joy needs me to be, asking forgiveness when I fail...and I will continue to pray that He will create something beautiful as He takes the broken pieces and knits us together as a family.
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